Being

Arianna and I traveled to Philadelphia last week for assessment and orientation for Serge, our new sending  organization after our two years with Samaritan’s Purse finish up (we’re at one year tomorrow!).  It was a job interview of sorts, though we had been in contact a good bit beforehand, and we were a bit unique in that we are already living in the place where we would serve and had already gone through the dreaming/planning/mobilizing process.

Our rocky Samaritan’s Purse interview was definitely in our minds, as well as Arianna’s Morehead interview from years ago.  A given is not a given, and we knew we would have been devastated and confused if things didn’t work out.  We really love Kijabe as well as the crazy path of impossible becoming possible that got us here.

But what if we weren’t meant to stay?

I didn’t sleep the flight over, or really until the Wednesday when we received our formal invite.  Jet lag and nerves.

But we did receive a yes, and are welcomed into a new family, which is wonderful.  Lots of transition details to come in the next year-and-a-half, but for now we are back in Kijabe and back to our normal crazy life.

One of the things I thought was interesting is that the week was focused much more on us than our work.  How are we doing spiritually and emotionally?  Personality tests and meetings with the spiritual directors and member care.  Where are we at and what do we need to succeed at ministry and life?  Not that the work is not important, but if our priorities are in order, the work will follow naturally. . .we really appreciate that first and foremost our team will care for us.

It was a really good week for me in sorting out the emotions and things I have been fighting through for the last few months.  We have been doing a course called Sonship, which focuses a lot on our concrete relationship with God – not the abstract as much as how we need Jesus in the mundane moments of every day.

Arianna does pretty well at this. . .things at the hospital are crazy that she must pray and must trust, because if she is in control it is hopeless.  I think she also has a very healthy guilty conscience – sensing the need for God in her shortcomings and readily accepting forgiveness.

I have had a much different encounter with Sonship, and I think a large part of it is due to life growing up.  I really, really, really don’t like the idea of facing the reasons why I need grace.  I don’t like facing my imperfection and shortcomings.  I think the reason why is pretty deep-seated. . .I feel like if I give God a reason to abandon me, then maybe he will. . .because I was abandoned by my earthly father.  Not that this had anything in particular to do with me, but it happened, and I really fear  abandonment that comes from the aftermath.

But on the other-hand I have always strongly identified with God as Father.  I don’t remember ever questioning that and it is the flip-side to the fear of abandonment. . .on some level I know that I am accepted completely.

Somehow things started to make more sense this week. . .I think really as I started to understand what idols are and how to respond to them.  There were strange words that would be floated around. . .like time-righteousness.  One of the guys in leadership talked about being time-righteous – needing people to be exactly on time or he would freak out.  Which is both a very normal American value and an idol – an idol being anything we cling to for safety and security other than Jesus.

And the idol litmus test is what happens when the idol is taken away. . .usually anger. For Matt, the time-righteous freak out if people are late.  There was a lady on the plane who yelled at Arianna during the middle of the night for putting her elbow on the elbow-rest – she’s elbow-rest righteous.  Another lady flipped me the bird when I was driving. . .I thought a left-turn arrow would show on the light, so I started to turn left and had to slam on the brakes.  We were quite far apart and they had plenty of room to go around, but she was road-righteous and super-ticked that I was a bad driver.

For me, this was a big breakthrough – why am I angry and why am I upset, and why do I need Jesus’ grace in real-time?  I am time-righteous in a way.   I don’t care about being on time per-se, but I hate when I feel my time is wasted on unimportant tasks or trivial things.  So I get upset if someone interrupts me when I am doing “important” work.  I am also cool-righteous.  I tend to make quick judgements about what is important, and get upset if others don’t agree or value things the way I do.  I am appearance-righteous. . .the paint color must be exactly right, the photoshop must be proper, and if it’s not done right then I have the right to freak out.  And on and on it goes.

It’s not that I am even overtly sinning, most of the time it’s just in my heart and mind. . .it’s just that I am clinging to values of my own and not clinging to the One who I need most.  But the break-through is that each failure is an opportunity to be reminded of Him, of his goodness, his sufficiency, and his love. . .that I am dearly loved and don’t need to find acceptance or fulfillment in anything or any place but Him.

This relates to many of my struggles over doing versus being of late.  I saw a perfect example today that relates to my struggles of doing versus being, of me-rightousness versus trust.

Next to the soccer field at RVA, someone took mud clods and made a giraffe and acacia tree on the side of a shed.  Simply amazing.  All the times I have walked by this exact spot thinking about my to-do list, or how late I am, or how I left the house too early.  But never at all did I see an opportunity to create something out of nothing – to produce art out of dirt.  And this is exactly what He wants to show me, that there is opportunity to create, to connect, to serve, and be fully alive all around me.

If I stop looking at me and only the things that I use to make me righteous, rather than about the source of epic-ness and the things He cares about, this would in turn would lead me to deeply invest in the things that those around me care about.  Trust in Him is a call to freedom, a call to identity, and a call to community.

And so I am really excited to join our new Serge family that is pushing us toward a beautiful way of being.