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on 39th birthdays. . .

Posted on Apr 3, 2019 by in Uncategorized | 1 comment

Sometimes birthdays bring up memories – ones we haven’t thought of in a long time. David and I had an early miscarriage in between Madeline and Annabelle, and the memories of that precious baby we never held still come to the surface at unusual times. Our 39th birthdays being one of those. David published this beautiful poem on Medium today and I wanted to cross it over to the blog for everyone here as well. . . -ari

to my Son, on my 39th birthday

Sometimes a body makes a terrible choice

A heart may never understand.

A womb opens too early

Or closes far too long.

You were the former.

From the moment I saw the pregnancy test

I knew you were my son,

Just as I knew your sister

Was my baby girl

Before the moment of her ultrasound.

How, I don’t know

But I found certainty

Amidst the mystery

Of birth and

Life.

But something went awry.

When, why?

I don’t know

And so I don’t know you.

If you are in heaven

Born into a form

Better suited for eternity rather than earth

You are eleven,

(Are there birthdays in heaven?)

Are you

Playing heaven ball,

Climbing heaven trees,

Riding heaven bikes,

Learning guitar?

Stairway to heaven — of course.

If you’re anything like your sisters,

You’re an amazing, beautiful child,

The only sort your mom and I create!

Today is my birthday and

I’m so sorry I missed yours

I wish that I had the pleasure to know you.

And I hope that somehow, someday

I will.


Your mom read my note above, reminded me your younger sister would not exist if you had lived.

Thank you, for making room for my precious girl,

For giving of yourself, involuntarily.

You died, that she might live.

You would love her, she is hilarious,

Especially when she dances.

She would beat you in a footrace,

Because she always fakes until she has a head-start.

She can climb anything, do real pushups, is fluent in Pig Latin,

Fantastic at math and chess, wants to be a teacher.

You made the world a better place

When you made room for her.

Thank you, son.


1 Comment

  1. This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. We had four children that did not see this earth. I wonder if they would have been boys or girls. But like your beautiful girl, their loss meant that we have our youngest son Evan who has been SUCH a joy! Blessings to you all and Happy Birthday to you! 🙂

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