on being not enough. . .

The last three months have been a textbook lesson in feeling like I am not enough. . .like the plates are spinning out of control and crashing down around I cannot possibly be all the places I need to be. . .
Three weeks ago, I found myself crying on Michelle’s shoulder in the middle of the kitchen, exhausted, certain that I had somehow let everyone around me down in one form or another. I was trying to be all the places at all the times. And only seeing where I was failing. I knew I had to toss some plates to someone else, or simply lay some down, but they all seemed to fragile or too important to drop.
And I felt myself starting to spin with the plates. I was able to walk through the days, but I found myself getting more hugs and more suggestions for chai breaks at work. Madeline would give me a side hug at home – her signal that she could sense I was overwhelmed.
One thing after another piled up. Another small crisis. A friend in need. Another goodbye. Another schedule change. Another day without talking to my family. A present missed. A second or third reminder on something I had forgotten to do.
And then a quiet whisper. . .”my grace is sufficient for you. . .”
But I didn’t want it to be. I wanted to settle into the difficulty, to shake my head at the impossibility of it all and be frustrated. I didn’t want to admit the undeniable and evident weakness coursing through each day. .
So I shut out the whisper. . .surely He was expecting more of me than I could give.
And it got louder. . .
MY grace is SUFFICIENT for YOU. . .and MY power is made perfect only in YOUR weakness. . .
Here’s the thing about trying to hold it all – it blinds me to the people around me who want to help me hold it. It weighs me down to the point where I feel I can’t cast my burdens because they are too heavy. it makes me think that I have to do it alone.
And nothing was further from the truth. I reached out for help and friends flew half way around the world. I leaned into my husband and found we were actually carrying it all together. I cuddled on the bed with Madeline and learned how much we were walking the same path. I played silly card games and let myself laugh. I put up my Christmas tree early and settled into the quiet whispers of the Prince of Peace.
I am stronger when I lean on the people around me, when I reach out for help, when I listen to the whisper and open my eyes to the fact that I am not alone. His grace is sufficient in the day to day – although not in a Hulk infusion of strength – often it comes in the form of the people He has placed around me, in quiet nights, or unexpected recoveries, in relationships deepening and sharing uncertainty.
In realizing that I can’t, and seeing that He never asked me to do it alone.

Ian Thomas wrote, “we are often practicing religion in the energy of the flesh when we could be depending on God to be present within”. How often I fall into that trap, and like you – need to rest a moment in the arms of those that He sends to me.