gratitude

I have been dreading June since we arrived. . .we knew we would be short of hands in pediatrics. I knew that I would have to say goodbye to mentors and friends. I didn’t know that David would have surgery, or that I would work all four weekends. I didn’t know the heartbreak that would come with my calls or the way the hours of wakefulness would far outnumber the hours of sleep. I didn’t know the weight of the weariness that I have felt.

The strange thing about exhaustion is that you can’t take hold of your thoughts and direct them the way you can when you have rested. What slides into the in between moments is there without manipulation or self protection.

And the mercy of this month is that most of those in between moments have been filled with thoughts of gratitude, of thanksgiving, and of joy.

Gratitude that I love what I do – I love these mamas and their babies. I love the amazing pediatricians that I work beside everyday. I love the miracle when a child goes from seizing to alert, from toxic from their fight against bacteria to smiling and playing peek-a-boo with me. And I love seeing the interns I teach take hold of that love and make it their own.

Gratitude that when David flipped his bike that it was his shoulder, not his neck or his head, and that he was able to ride home with one hand with friends and meet an orthopedic surgeon on the road.

Gratitude that when David needed surgery that the best people to do it were in Kijabe and available – that when his routine intubation proved difficult and his fracture impinged on critical vessels that he was in the hands of an anesthesiologist and surgeons that are not only friends but  experts at what they do.

Gratitude for friends who fed us, and drove us home, who prayed over us and sat with us. Who cared for our girls. Who cried with me and sent chocolate. Grateful that in 9 short months we have friends on both sides of the ocean who daily teach us the humbling reality that we are deeply loved.

Gratitude for Bentley, Anna, and Arianna – three precious new babies that make the South seem too far and inexplicably real – and gratitude for their mama’s, my dearest friends, who make sure that I am part of their lives no matter how far away.

Gratitude for well timed marshmallows and gummy bears from the other side of the world on days when I need simple joy.

Gratitude for gelato at Zucchini’s and new favorite dress from a store in Nairobi and for comfy couches and roast beef and raspberry tea in a handmade mug.

Gratitude for passing my board exam and the daily use of the knowledge poured into me by mentors.

Gratitude for new bag valve masks from Children’s, for books in the mail, and for a day to sleep in until 10 like a teenager.

Gratitude for Virginia, our new house-helper who has an uncanny ability to read my mind.

Gratitude for the three students that have been tirelessly working at my kitchen table this month to make an antibiogram for the hospital – and  trusting me with their summers.

Gratitude for a marriage that grows when things are hard and eyes to see new wonder in the man that has walked beside me and with me for 13 years.

Gratitude for Annabelle’s joyful heart since they returned from the States, for quiet cuddles and battles that have gone from constant to rare. Gratitude that my 6 year old can still fold into my lap when she is upset and squiggle herself into the crook of my arm when she is excited.

And belle’s short movie: captainameribelle

 

Gratitude for the determination with which Madeline sang 10,000 reasons at the school talent show – and the look of grateful humility that covered her face with the applause that followed.

link to video here

Gratitude for new understanding of repentance and grace and allowing myself to be fully, deeply Loved.

Gratitude, that in the midst of weariness, that 9 months in, I am completely certain this is where we are supposed to be.  I feel that I have found my purpose, and I know that is a rare thing.  And so my thoughts are awash with thanks.

And even for that, I am grateful.